Parenting 2/5/2012
Aj is my oldest. Born in 2009- I have been a mommy for almost 2 1/2 years. Aj was an easy baby. Born at 9.6lbs he slept threw the night from the day he was born. He never really cried, and LOVED sleep. I was so scared something would happen to him that I stayed up all night and got addicted to Facebook games, like farmville, fishville, you know all the -ville games haha. Any little noise, I was right there by his side.
By the time my second son Eddie came along this past year in 2011, I didn’t miss a beat. It’s different this time around. I was scared to dress AJ, thinking I would twist his arm wrong, or scratch him. I felt like he was made of glass. Eddie, I can throw him around. Not literally. I zoom threw tub time, and dressing. I know all the cries.
I feel like over the past few months especially that I have really grown into motherhood. Being young (20) and having two kids is a big thing. When I grew up, my mother would get mad and hit me, and scream A LOT. She never talked to me, just at me. I found myself saying what EVERY kid says; I will NEVER do that to my kids.
Unfortunately, I found myself screaming so loud, I would run out of breath. My oldest got nervous when I even got near him. At the time, we had just moved out of the shelter we were staying with his father, who had been arrested and indicted on some major charges. We had just moved back in with my mother, and I was being dragged through testimony in front of a grand jury.
I was so stressed beyond belief I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no soundboard, no stress relief. I really had no help or escape from AJ, just that day where you need to have some alone time.
Then I had Eddie in September, I started college a week later. Over the last few months, I have gotten out of the relationship with the boys dad, and actually have been with my best guy friend I have had. Hes been my best friend since 4th grade. I don’t know what will happen or where it will go, but I enjoy his company and his positive influence on my life.
I feel, in my second semester of college now, and Eddie just turned five(5) months, that I have finally found balance in my life. I have an equal partner. I have found my nitch with school, even though still rough and stressed at times, over tests, and writing papers. And I have found my stride with the kids in a good routine. I finally feel that I’m not that typical stereotype “teen mom”. Yes I recieve welfare, but I also only collect it in between jobs, and am a full time student. I use the system that I am entitled to to take care of my kids when I fail.
Not everything that has happened in my life I am proud of, but I have come a long ass way. Its been rough as hell and I know the struggle is no where near over, but as for right now— things in the world for once— look bright. I look forward to the future and the possibility it holds for me and the boys.
Till next time….
~xoxox~
~Larissa~